You know, it's so fun sharing stories of Sophia and the fun things she says and does. Tonight though, I just spent the last couple of hours reading through the blog of the wife (Angie) of one of the singers (Todd) from Selah (amazing band!). I'd challange you to read through it some time. Start at the beginning by clicking on the January link and let God lead you through their emotional and heart-wrenching story. You will cry and you will feel and maybe you'll even be changed. Click on this link:
http://audreycaroline.blogspot.com/So, tonight I am feeling somber and sad. I have four babies in heaven and tonight I really am missing them. I wonder what their lives are like with Jesus and I'm thinking of all of the things I never got to do with them, especially how I never got to hold them and know them. The baby that currently lives inside me reminds me often of his/her presence with kicks and movements that never cease to amaze me. I wonder that when Baby Bean is born if he/she will know there is a twin in heaven that will not live out life on this earth with him/her.
Sophia often asks about the other baby that Jesus took to heaven and wonders if Baby Bean will die too?? Her heart is so tender and these questions are often followed with, "I am sad," and she starts to cry. One of her favorite things to do is to put a sticker on my stomach for Baby Bean. I wear it with pride! Even in public! :) I love my daughter so much and my heart aches for the knowledge of my children that are not with me. I already feel so privileged to know so much of Baby Bean. To have seen that sweet baby face on the ultrasound, to feel the movement within me, etc... But, I have to remind myself that Baby Bean is not mine. I have to let go. I fear losing this sweet child and I have to keep letting go.
My six children have taught me more and given me more than I could ever have imagined. Sophia's childish questions and 3 year old wisdom probes deep and makes me think. It also makes me thankful. Seeing her thirst for life and her love of people. Just this afternoon, after a long few hours on campus to see graduation, I was tired and needed to rest. I flumped down on the couch, ready to get comfy. I took my shoes off. Without me asking and without a sound Sophia comes over, takes my shoes and her hoody out of my way and puts them where they belong. She then returns with her Hello Kitty blanket from her bed and tells me to lie down. She gently covers me up, closes my eyes with her hands and tells me to sleep. She gently strokes my arms and legs and hums lullabys to me. That's my baby. I thank Jesus for instilling in her a tender grace that could only come from Him.
My four children that are in heaven, they have taught me that life is not about me. Their lives have forced me to my knees and forced me to go places with my Savior I've never gone before. It is my belief that God used each of their brief lives to break me so that I might truly live. Until I allowed God to break me I do not think I ever even knew Him. This may sound strange to you, but it has been my experience. Maybe some day I will write a book about this time of my life. It has profoundly changed me and my view of God. He is good, yesterday, today and tomorrow. He does not change. And all that He brings into my life, and takes from it, is for my good and His glory. After we lost Jeremiah, Baby Bean's twin, I considered taking measures to never get pregnant again because I just wasn't sure I could deal with this pain anymore. Jesus gently showed me that life is life and it is all created by Him for a purpose, even if that life only lives for 5 weeks. I know this to be true and I than realized that who was I to deny my God the ability to create life within me, even if it would be brief? I will get to meet and hold all these children in Heaven someday and I will walk forward trusting God to create only want He intends to use, even if it means more pain for me.
Baby Bean has taught me hope and letting go. Fear has gripped me during this pregnancy so much and it has forced me to let go, repeatedly, of what is not really mine. This sweet child is a gift, like all my others, and yet, it is not really mine, it is Jesus's. When I can surrender my "rights" to this child and it's future, the fear dissipates and I rest in total peace, trusting God to do what is best and right. Hope, how glorious! I hope for the day when I get to hold Baby Bean. I think this birth will be emotional in a whole different way than Sophia's was. I know I will sob for the other four children I am not holding in that moment and I will be so thankful, so so thankful for the one (two once Soph joins us!) that I am. I can't wait!!!
Well, that's where my heart is tonight. Thanks for listening and I pray that Jesus can touch your heart tonight to trust Him in a new way. Let Him break you, let Him heal you and rejoice!
