what is on my mind

 swinging in her p.j.s, wind whipping through her hair, toes flying in the breeze

it's the little moments, the adding up of sweet memories,

that make a childhood memorable

hopeful and prayerful that my "angry mom" days do not stick out in the forefront of my children's eyes

relishing in this boy's eyes, hugs, cuddles, nightly routine of "knock knock, who's there," sweet kisses and soft "i love yous"

someday, he will break my heart

i love him so

 laughing at my sweet girl's desire to make every moment in life funny and carefree

she takes after her auntie in her love of making silly faces for the camera

she asked about getting her ears pierced

how did she grow so tall

so smart

so old

?

working on maintaining our level of honesty and closeness so as the days grow longer

our hearts can knit closer

as her nighttime trips to my bed because she's scared begin to cease

i pray she still seeks me out in those moments of fear and wonder

may her tender heart trust her mama and come

may she know she can always come

and be received

God sent this sweet baby bird to our yard the other day

he/she sat upon this branch, nestled in the evergreen tree

and stayed, perched and watching

as we played

it never flew away

God loves this bird

so much more does he love you

and me

 there is beauty in the refiner's fire

the heat burns

but it also warms

the flame can be fierce

but also mesmerizing

My Refiner's Fire

he asks me to come

and he will always receive

i tell my children the Truth

but do i really believe?

this is my burden in the night

He makes all things new

every day

every moment some days

i struggle to receive the new

i cling to the old like a slave out of egypt

i have judged that freed slave so many times

i am just the same

***

my four babies 

that i cannot hold

they are my pain

their loss was so much my gain

He brought me to Him 

because He took them to Himself

how can i love him for that?

how can i not?

a mother is supposed to sacrifice for her children

her children are not supposed to be the sacrifice for their mother

but they were

they are

but, i suppose He knows how that feels

His Son lives

and my children

they do too

and yet,

i keep Him at arms' length

when the feeling gets to heavy

when the searching goes too deep

i fear the pain i might find

and so i don't go

i stay in this awful place of mediocrity and shallow waters

it empties my soul

it does not feed

He calls me to feast and i am content to pick at the crumbs

i have played the fool

He loves me

oh, how He loves me

why do i refuse?

i 

need

to

trust

i 

need

to

come

i 

need 

to 

be 

received

and i will

oh, how i will

if i would but come

My God, My Savior

please, don't ever stop burning within

give me the strength to come

to be received

to be fed

to be whole

to be free

***